New research has found that the ECB’s long-running Women’s softball ‘Prosecco’ festivals have had a neglible effect on the number of women graduating to play hardball cricket. It has, however, led to a five-fold increase in the number of ‘functioning alcoholics’ amongst suburban middle-class mothers of cricket-playing children.
The ECB’s latest plans for their new league
Plans continue apace for the ECB’s new 11 ball league. Under the proposals, each player will bowl 1 ball, and each batsman will get to face 1 ball, in each 11 ball innings. Matches are expected to last half an hour, fitting into the key 5.30-6.00 slot, after kids get home from school and just before they settle down to an evening in front of Youtube or on their Playstation 6. With the simplified format, the ECB are hoping to appeal to the key target markets of women and young children. In a recent survey amongst 10 year old state-educated schoolchildren, when asked what they thought about cricket, 93% of the respondents replied with ‘What’s Cricket?’. The remaining 7% replied that it was a small green insect, similar to a grasshopper.
The fallout from ‘cough sweet-gate’ continues. England’s recent Ashes victory has been put down in some quarters to their fast bowlers’ ability to reverse swing the ball. Several England players were seen applying saliva to the ball, moments after chewing on what appeared to be a Hall’s Soother. The England management commented that this was just sour grapes on Australia’s part, and that it had been an unusually cold Summer, with several England players suffering from serious bouts of ‘the sniffles’. The ECB refused to comment on rumours that Locketts are now in a bidding war with Halls to become the main sponsors of the England Cricket team.
New Afghan IPL star
Afghan spin sensation Rashid Zadran continues to attract interest from several IPL teams. The 13 year-old, who has taken 217 T20 wickets since his debut 2 years ago, is expected to be sold for a figure around 20,000 lakh rupees (£ God knows) at the upcoming IPL auction. Having helped Afghanistan to win the recent U19 World Cup, with 23 wickets in 7 matches, allegations surfaced that Zadran is actually a 29 year-old father of four. The ICC is investigating.
‘The Big 3’
ECB President Giles Clarke is enthusiastic about the upcoming 7 match test series against India. Following on from the winter tour of India, which India won 7-0, and just ahead of next winter’s Ashes series, Clarke commented that ‘This series will give the English public a rare chance to see the Indian stars in the flesh, ahead of another hugely important Ashes series.’ This winter’s Ashes will be followed by a 12 match tri-series, between England, Australia and India, which will lead into next Summer’s 7 match Ashes series. Meanwhile Clarke said that he was excited about the plans for the 2031 World Cup, which will be a 50 match round-robin tournament, to be held in India, featuring India, England and Australia. One journalist questioned the wisdom of a 3 team world cup in a sport that as long ago as 2018 had 103 members, to which Clarke replied ‘We invented the sport, the Aussies have the best team and the Indians bring in most of the money. Now piss off.’
David Warner’s next career move
Recently retired former Australian player David Warner has signed a multi-million dollar deal to become the new face of Makita belt sanders. ‘I’ve always been a keen DIY enthusiast, and i’m a big fan of Makita’s products. I never took any sandpaper onto the pitch all those years ago in South Africa though, honest’.